不知不覺，我在日本已經有一個月的時間。
這一個月過得異常的快…所經歷的也好像走馬看花一樣。
有對個人主義的外國人的厭倦感、對日本人的「你怎樣一看就知道我不是日本人」的感覺、對朋友的尋找、對神的驚訝…(呢句statement每部都係對人的…就知道我真係幾咁value relationships...)
這個月漸漸淡去的是…放假的心情；愈來愈感到強烈的是…學好日文的決心、花多點時間與日本人傾計的心、多點為CU祈禱的心、以及…聽日文詩歌感動的心。感覺就一種很玄的東西，因為有一些感覺真的是沒有原因。例如…我知道就算我六月離開日本，在我有生之年，應該會再回來生活；又或者…我覺得就算要我離鄉別井…一個人在日本生活，我是願意的。(美國有強烈不願意的感覺)
For all I have, I give it all to You. Only You are worthy to have it all.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Only True Love
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 4:16-19)
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" (Romans 8:35)
Thanks God that I experience His great and perfect love once again. He is the one that knows me, that understands me from the inside out, that knows my thinking even before I do. As God is Love, without Him, I can never love someone else. Or in another way, as God is Love, I can never be loved without Him. How weak and fragile are human relationships? But I believe that those that are built in Him will stay strong, be blessed, and last forever. And only through and in Him can relationships develop meaningfully.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 138:23-24)
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" (Romans 8:35)
Thanks God that I experience His great and perfect love once again. He is the one that knows me, that understands me from the inside out, that knows my thinking even before I do. As God is Love, without Him, I can never love someone else. Or in another way, as God is Love, I can never be loved without Him. How weak and fragile are human relationships? But I believe that those that are built in Him will stay strong, be blessed, and last forever. And only through and in Him can relationships develop meaningfully.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 138:23-24)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
手打開
很記得中四有一段日子，身邊的三位好友不約而同地在生活上遇到很大的困難，那時候我對自己說，這是一個很重要的時候，我要不斷支持這三位好友。
今天，我與在日本結識的好友也不約而同地經歷類似的問題，在香港、在美國的朋友也有自己的難處。在這個關口，我很想找一個讓我自己不會痛、不會傷的方法，但我知道，我不會找到。正如朋友所說，就好像我的一塊肉要離開一樣。神也不斷地對我說，要放手，要看祂的工作。
"Where leads this path of sorrow that I tread?"
"Unto Myself," He said.
但這種痛是不能解釋、不能完全形容的。但我知道，我要等候，就讓時間告訴我答案，我相信神也會在適當的時候告訴我經歷這件事的原因。信心，我有。那我就放手加放心吧…
開心是什麼？開心是…簡簡單單的在日本生活。開心是…為朋友煮一餐飯。開心是…與朋友一起談夢想。開心是…互相鼓勵、祈禱。開心是…教教日本朋友if conditionals。開心是…skype時玩printsceen。
有時候give好像很困難…但當你give、打開你的手掌的時候，你會發現，手指接觸的世界是這樣的大，雖然自己的手是何等的渺小，但得到的卻是更多。
如今，我決定打開我的雙手。
感謝祢，永遠為我預備最好的；拯救了我；使我得著生命，如今，我已經得著了。
感謝妳，聽我說話；或者，感謝妳，因為妳就是妳，妳的存在已成了我的鼓勵。
感謝你，讓我可以在你面前做我自己，用非言語把我的感受流露。
這段日子暗暗地看到自己怎樣成為別人的祝福，心想，自己是多麼的broken，但祂仍然能夠使用。只有在祂，through Him and in Him, impossible can become possible.
謝謝。
Saturday, February 19, 2011
最遠的路
今天是踩單車去京都的大日子。GOOGLE MAP說WALKING DISTANCE是4小時，朋友說踩單車要一個半小時。10時45分出發…已經比預期遲了45分鐘。
到了第一個landmark，在第一個重要轉彎位，我們已經走錯了。-_-... 當然，那時候不知道。但錯有錯著，經過了一個很美麗很美麗的高爾夫球場。到了京都district，找了很久也找不到想去的station…
最後終於找到--伏見稻荷大社。
4時正開始歸家的路。要去HIGHWAY 13…當然係MISS左啦…咁大個intersection…
個天已經開始黑…最後終於搵到岩既路…踩呀踩呀踩。
條HIGHWAY果時勁黑…
連踩七個鐘…仲要係真係踩喎…唔係HEA踩。
Thursday, February 17, 2011
一緒に
其實我一向都覺得自己不是一個很堅強的人。表面可能頗獨立，內裡卻是一個極度柔弱。
可能因為這個原因，如果讓我選擇如果面對抵觸、分歧的話，面對我著緊的人或與我無關的事件，我會選擇逃避；在我記憶中，我所曾面對的confrontation，我的心情都是不太情願的。當然，RA的除外，因為那是我的職責。
又或者，因為我內裡實在太＂林至至＂，我很少要求別人為我做什麼。若果別人想我怎樣怎樣，若跟我的價值觀沒有太大抵觸的話，我多數會順從。也因為這樣，通常有很多不必要的誤會產生。
但當我沒有要求什麼、順著你的意思，不代表我是完全的滿足，只是，我選擇很少說出來。
今天的那一刻，第一個想起的字是一緒に。一緒に讀ishoni，意思是一起。
我不明白為什麼日文的一起會用緒這個字，所以上網查查緒的原意。
其實都是與預期的差不多，情緒、心情、頭緒。然後，我想，或許真正的一起，是心情、頭緒、想法的一致。要達到state of mind的reconciliation應該是不容易的事。
其實，我一直都懷疑這個計劃成真的機會。到最後，應該都是做不了吧。
This week has been too much. I need to re-think, re-think, and re-think.
可能因為這個原因，如果讓我選擇如果面對抵觸、分歧的話，面對我著緊的人或與我無關的事件，我會選擇逃避；在我記憶中，我所曾面對的confrontation，我的心情都是不太情願的。當然，RA的除外，因為那是我的職責。
又或者，因為我內裡實在太＂林至至＂，我很少要求別人為我做什麼。若果別人想我怎樣怎樣，若跟我的價值觀沒有太大抵觸的話，我多數會順從。也因為這樣，通常有很多不必要的誤會產生。
但當我沒有要求什麼、順著你的意思，不代表我是完全的滿足，只是，我選擇很少說出來。
今天的那一刻，第一個想起的字是一緒に。一緒に讀ishoni，意思是一起。
我不明白為什麼日文的一起會用緒這個字，所以上網查查緒的原意。
其實都是與預期的差不多，情緒、心情、頭緒。然後，我想，或許真正的一起，是心情、頭緒、想法的一致。要達到state of mind的reconciliation應該是不容易的事。
其實，我一直都懷疑這個計劃成真的機會。到最後，應該都是做不了吧。
This week has been too much. I need to re-think, re-think, and re-think.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
調整
Yesterday, I was in a total dreary mood. That was also why I decided to write an entry in Japanese. As much as I did not want to admit or did not realize, there are still some things that I still haven't let go. As a matter of fact, when the pastor talked about wounds on Sunday, I immediately thought of those things. At the same time, I also thought of the scene in Cambodia when Ah Man, Michelle, Dony, and I were on the broken bridge. Lying on the bridge, Ah Man was lifting up his arm with his palms open. I did the same thing and it felt like I was letting go something, letting the wind blow them to wherever they were meant to be. I guess deep inside, I still care about the unfulfilled promises or the unexplained situation. But anyhow, I know that I need to let go and let the passage of time heal my wound.
Though classes are as relaxing as usual, I did some improvements today. In the Spoken Japanese class, the teacher has a policy that if you use the pattern listed on the board or if you show good communication skills, you will have a chocolate. And I got a chocolate today! :-) Hehehehehe. Also, I feel so excited reading about Japanese history. I guess it is a rather special feeling when you are in a foreign country but can actually see and feel the history behind. On top of that, since the reading is really not hard at all, it adds the fun.
It feels so good and better to give than to receive. This is what I have been feeling today.
Though classes are as relaxing as usual, I did some improvements today. In the Spoken Japanese class, the teacher has a policy that if you use the pattern listed on the board or if you show good communication skills, you will have a chocolate. And I got a chocolate today! :-) Hehehehehe. Also, I feel so excited reading about Japanese history. I guess it is a rather special feeling when you are in a foreign country but can actually see and feel the history behind. On top of that, since the reading is really not hard at all, it adds the fun.
It feels so good and better to give than to receive. This is what I have been feeling today.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Still...
みちゃんは私に好きな人がいないかいるか聞いた。
そして、うちにかえって、FBをみて、彼のmessageを読んで、悲しくなった。
ちょっと泣いたね。
あぁ。。
もうあきらめたと思う。でも、たいてい彼だと思った。
忘れなくてはいけないよ。。。。
そして、うちにかえって、FBをみて、彼のmessageを読んで、悲しくなった。
ちょっと泣いたね。
あぁ。。
もうあきらめたと思う。でも、たいてい彼だと思った。
忘れなくてはいけないよ。。。。
Friday, February 11, 2011
無果時先知佢好
A very accurate sentence that describes my feelings during EACH and EVERY class.
***
這個長週末的星期五及星期六在大阪渡過。回來的時候，突然覺得很blue，很dull，好像缺少了什麼。回來後，再看一篇一封之前沒有細讀的email，一個很好的機會，但卻把我一切的計劃倒亂了…
簡單來說
原本，我打算考試後與某朋友在日本WWOOF及旅行，6月14日左右回香港…
準備教會營會，7月中舉辦
8月再次到日本短宣，然後8月9日回美國RA training…
其實這封email是宣傳一個在dominican republic的internship…
特別的是，這個npo是RA living and learning program social entrepreneurship class將會合作的那一個: esperanza。 esperanza的工作主要是幫助DR的貧窮居民。internship是6月5日至8月3日…其實我真的是頗有興趣…如果可以的話，我會在internship完結後直接回美國…
那就是說，可能我今個暑假不會在香港渡過…唉…唔知呢
我的gut feeling告訴我如果我成功地當上了social entrepreneurship的RA，就應該試試apply…
但其實唔知點解我已經覺得我係應該會得 (可能係假希望…今朝發夢我有RA offer…好開心=_=)
但我的struggle是… 明明最後一個暑假，我想放多一點時間，在教會、神國度的擴展上
但反而，彷彿衪開了另一條路給我…
唉。 好神奇既係…在Cambodia的時候，突然想學下spanish…(其實我不嬲都唔係好鍾意spanish)。
點解？
***
講下呢排既生活。
語言+朋友：其實我o係呢度唔算好多朋友…一係因為有好多人上個semester已經o係度，所以已經唔係好想識你；二係因為呢度d exchange students好多都係obnoxious americans (i'm sorry)。不過兩三個已經好夠啦。語言…真係好想走既時候係可以講到流利既日文，基本上每日都聽好多…但係講就都係同日本朋友先講。有時實在講得太慢，所以乾脆講英文…但真係唔可以囉！加油加油。好想識多Ｄ日本朋友：)
P.S. 我覺得我D中文writing急劇下降中…好快就會唔係好分得清中文字同日文字-_-…同埋寫中文好慢囉，所以呢篇野係廣東話－＿－
上堂：其實我好掛住RICHMOND的professors+同學。因為呢度d人…實在幾廢。上日文堂D人又唔係好想講日文咁，勁rude咁講英文…咩事姐？不過都好既…原本都諗住呢個sem relax下架嘛…咁咪真係relax下囉。
生活：番學大將踏10分鐘單車…去supermarket買野都可以踏單車。其實真係幾好玩…雖然有時有d驚…好想試下由學校踏單車去京都！聽人講好似2個鐘！去街為左慳錢會行多D路…save bus錢…200yen…save一個station既車…50yen…etc。行左好多路…lol
自己煮飯食既生活真係幾好…我發覺我黎左咁耐無買過生既肉自己煮黎食…(可能咁所以瘦左:P)但真係幾好幾好～以前不嬲都係去DINING HALL…有咩食咩…所以，真係幾好…
教會：今日番教會…不錯。：)不過下星期想番下另外一間…學校有christian union…諗諗會唔會get involved。
:)頑張って！
***
這個長週末的星期五及星期六在大阪渡過。回來的時候，突然覺得很blue，很dull，好像缺少了什麼。回來後，再看一篇一封之前沒有細讀的email，一個很好的機會，但卻把我一切的計劃倒亂了…
簡單來說
原本，我打算考試後與某朋友在日本WWOOF及旅行，6月14日左右回香港…
準備教會營會，7月中舉辦
8月再次到日本短宣，然後8月9日回美國RA training…
其實這封email是宣傳一個在dominican republic的internship…
特別的是，這個npo是RA living and learning program social entrepreneurship class將會合作的那一個: esperanza。 esperanza的工作主要是幫助DR的貧窮居民。internship是6月5日至8月3日…其實我真的是頗有興趣…如果可以的話，我會在internship完結後直接回美國…
那就是說，可能我今個暑假不會在香港渡過…唉…唔知呢
我的gut feeling告訴我如果我成功地當上了social entrepreneurship的RA，就應該試試apply…
但其實唔知點解我已經覺得我係應該會得 (可能係假希望…今朝發夢我有RA offer…好開心=_=)
但我的struggle是… 明明最後一個暑假，我想放多一點時間，在教會、神國度的擴展上
但反而，彷彿衪開了另一條路給我…
唉。 好神奇既係…在Cambodia的時候，突然想學下spanish…(其實我不嬲都唔係好鍾意spanish)。
點解？
***
講下呢排既生活。
語言+朋友：其實我o係呢度唔算好多朋友…一係因為有好多人上個semester已經o係度，所以已經唔係好想識你；二係因為呢度d exchange students好多都係obnoxious americans (i'm sorry)。不過兩三個已經好夠啦。語言…真係好想走既時候係可以講到流利既日文，基本上每日都聽好多…但係講就都係同日本朋友先講。有時實在講得太慢，所以乾脆講英文…但真係唔可以囉！加油加油。好想識多Ｄ日本朋友：)
P.S. 我覺得我D中文writing急劇下降中…好快就會唔係好分得清中文字同日文字-_-…同埋寫中文好慢囉，所以呢篇野係廣東話－＿－
上堂：其實我好掛住RICHMOND的professors+同學。因為呢度d人…實在幾廢。上日文堂D人又唔係好想講日文咁，勁rude咁講英文…咩事姐？不過都好既…原本都諗住呢個sem relax下架嘛…咁咪真係relax下囉。
生活：番學大將踏10分鐘單車…去supermarket買野都可以踏單車。其實真係幾好玩…雖然有時有d驚…好想試下由學校踏單車去京都！聽人講好似2個鐘！去街為左慳錢會行多D路…save bus錢…200yen…save一個station既車…50yen…etc。行左好多路…lol
自己煮飯食既生活真係幾好…我發覺我黎左咁耐無買過生既肉自己煮黎食…(可能咁所以瘦左:P)但真係幾好幾好～以前不嬲都係去DINING HALL…有咩食咩…所以，真係幾好…
教會：今日番教會…不錯。：)不過下星期想番下另外一間…學校有christian union…諗諗會唔會get involved。
:)頑張って！
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Fear. Love. Memory
Recently, I have realized that my daily life goes on with a number of inner fears I have. For example, I fear that I may crash into something or someone when I bike; I fear that I may not make the hill when I bike and that I will need to push up the bike looking like an idiot (this didn't happen by the way); I fear that I may be late; I fear that the Internet connection might have been slowed when I did the Skype interview. The truth is all these fears are quite unnecessary. Most important of all, fears do not help. They do not help you to face the reality, solve the problem when there is one, or help you to evaluate yourself. So why do we have fear anyway?
However, there's a fear in me that has creeped in from times to times. Believe it or not, Alzheimer's Disease. This may sound ridiculous because I am now 21 years old and AD patients are usually in their 50s. But who knows when the onset will start? About a week ago, there was a little incident after I shopped. It made me panic because at that moment, I felt like, "wow, this is really possible." Combining my forgetfulness, walking in wrong directions for a number of times during the summer when I clearly knew the way, and many others incidents, I feel like maybe this is really possible. Haha... It may be the consciousness of a psychology student.
Then, I begin to wonder: what will I lose if I have Alzheimer's? During the summer, I watched two movies concerning AD: Iris, and a Korean movie. What will happen if I forget my loved ones? And is love based on memory then after all? (You may say no because you believe in love in first sight but sorry, I don't.) When all relationships are built with time and love, if one doesn't have the memories anymore, is the relationship still there? Another side question is that: can an amnesics develop relationships with others then? (This question should have been already answered.) I don't know. All these just push me to treasure more what I have at the moment. To live, to love, to treasure, to cherish, to value, and to feel THE MOMENT.
Tomorrow will be my third day of classes. I have accepted the fact that I will be in a holiday mood forever here. But I do make an effort to speak in Japanese and to improve. And I do my homework. :-)
Lastly, I send all my best wishes and the song below to those who are reading this post.
Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when
Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when
Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when
Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4tvuDl1FCM&feature=related
However, there's a fear in me that has creeped in from times to times. Believe it or not, Alzheimer's Disease. This may sound ridiculous because I am now 21 years old and AD patients are usually in their 50s. But who knows when the onset will start? About a week ago, there was a little incident after I shopped. It made me panic because at that moment, I felt like, "wow, this is really possible." Combining my forgetfulness, walking in wrong directions for a number of times during the summer when I clearly knew the way, and many others incidents, I feel like maybe this is really possible. Haha... It may be the consciousness of a psychology student.
Then, I begin to wonder: what will I lose if I have Alzheimer's? During the summer, I watched two movies concerning AD: Iris, and a Korean movie. What will happen if I forget my loved ones? And is love based on memory then after all? (You may say no because you believe in love in first sight but sorry, I don't.) When all relationships are built with time and love, if one doesn't have the memories anymore, is the relationship still there? Another side question is that: can an amnesics develop relationships with others then? (This question should have been already answered.) I don't know. All these just push me to treasure more what I have at the moment. To live, to love, to treasure, to cherish, to value, and to feel THE MOMENT.
Tomorrow will be my third day of classes. I have accepted the fact that I will be in a holiday mood forever here. But I do make an effort to speak in Japanese and to improve. And I do my homework. :-)
Lastly, I send all my best wishes and the song below to those who are reading this post.
Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when
Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when
Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when
Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4tvuDl1FCM&feature=related
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Decisions Decisions Decisions
"It's different. When you have gone through so much with all those people, learning about genocide and growing up through it, you feel different when you hear all these people talking about alcohol and drinking. I'm trying not to compare."
Above is a quote from Maria, another UR student here in Japan with me. She went to Rwanda last semester and is now in Kansai Gaidai. I cannot agree with her more. But I guess I can't try not to compare because I already did. I miss the time when Michelle would wait for me in NFO center so that we could walk back to the guesthouse together, or we would go to the store to buy things together, or even when Michelle and I got lost on the way from center to guesthouse (how on earth would that be possible anyway) and went back to center and pretended to ask Dony if he was ready to leave with us yet. The fact is he would just walk us home and go back to center himself. But here, oh mama, I just need to find my own way. And I'm not saying that I can't do it. I've already walked to school and come back by myself already... and I know that eventually I will hate this 20-minute walk so much. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that--I just hate the individualist culture so much. You would be surprised because I should be used to it now... But back in Richmond, it's different because I've already chosen to be with my not-so-individualistic friends.
So it all comes down to decisions, as the title of this post says. There are many decisions waiting for me to be made: Classes (and of course just as usual, things won't go the way you expect...), getting a bike, friends... etc. And I pray that God will guide me to make the right decision. And what's amazing about Him is that... He already answered one prayer! :-) You are so amazing, Papa.
Left HK at 0800 yesterday, arrived at KGU at 1845 yesterday. Some general meetings today. And some more tomorrow.
Above is a quote from Maria, another UR student here in Japan with me. She went to Rwanda last semester and is now in Kansai Gaidai. I cannot agree with her more. But I guess I can't try not to compare because I already did. I miss the time when Michelle would wait for me in NFO center so that we could walk back to the guesthouse together, or we would go to the store to buy things together, or even when Michelle and I got lost on the way from center to guesthouse (how on earth would that be possible anyway) and went back to center and pretended to ask Dony if he was ready to leave with us yet. The fact is he would just walk us home and go back to center himself. But here, oh mama, I just need to find my own way. And I'm not saying that I can't do it. I've already walked to school and come back by myself already... and I know that eventually I will hate this 20-minute walk so much. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that--I just hate the individualist culture so much. You would be surprised because I should be used to it now... But back in Richmond, it's different because I've already chosen to be with my not-so-individualistic friends.
So it all comes down to decisions, as the title of this post says. There are many decisions waiting for me to be made: Classes (and of course just as usual, things won't go the way you expect...), getting a bike, friends... etc. And I pray that God will guide me to make the right decision. And what's amazing about Him is that... He already answered one prayer! :-) You are so amazing, Papa.
Left HK at 0800 yesterday, arrived at KGU at 1845 yesterday. Some general meetings today. And some more tomorrow.
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