Revelation

Below are honest revelations as I do not know how I should express myself:

1. Last night, my friend and also one of the members of the marketing team for International Month sent me a flyer. I asked her to revise some details and she said, "FINE but is that it? anything else? like you liked it you hate it or i hate you?" And I was shocked when I got these messages. I calmed myself down first and answered one by one. The truth was, she hadn't received the email in which I said "good work!" twice. Honestly, I almost cried because I thought this person was mad at me and had been feeling dissatisfied about my leadership. But in fact, she wasn't mad. Thanks God... I realize I really have little confidence in my leadership. I know that I am a leader naturally, but I do not want to be a bad leader at all. I am still in the process of learning. And I want to be one of the good leaders. I want everyone to be happy and feel good about working with me.

2. I feel lonely at times. I'm beginning to feel that I can't stand this anymore. I need to see my partner, my companion. Oh God...

3. I have 1 big exam, 1 quiz, 1 presentation, and 1 paper due this week. I just hope this semester will be over asap, seriously.

4. I want time to do my own things, like going to the gym and reading.

Seriously... this is one of the hardest times ever. But thanks God, I know I can go through these. I know that He never gives things that I cannot handle to me. I know that through these, I will build a stronger relationship with God, and that's what everything is about. If not, what's the point? Therefore, I do not want to miss the point. I do not want to do perfect in all these things but miss out the main point to build a relationship with God.

:-)

One of Them

In Your Arms

I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night

Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more

I have been feeling incredibly stressed since Friday. Maybe it's because of the genetics exam next Tuesday which I have not started studying for yet. Sigh. Lord, wrap me in your armrs; let me see You because I need to, so that I can go on.

Self and Others

I am experiencing another burnout, another period of extreme weariness. I tried to let it slide, but I have to admit that part of it may due to the fact that a person possibly questioned me whether I ever listened to and tried to understand her, rather than offered advice and my opinion. I know that deep inside I think that there is no way I can understand this person because of all she is experiencing right now. However, I also questioned myself whether I put into the effort of understanding. What's the fine line between understanding, care, and advice really? For everything you say, it is inevitable that you are expressing your opinion, no matter how neutral you wish it was. But, the speaker may not necessarily demand you to follow his/her opinion. Or very often, the speaker know that the other party is not going to follow. I guess those "opinions" are the central beliefs that we hold on to.

Sometimes, I ponder since when have I not articulated my inner, true feelings? I do not know. In my impression, I think the expressive one was far back when I was in Form 4 or Form 5. I guess the primary ways for me to express my emotions now are: laugh and cry. Is it really that important to examine why we feel a certain way? Or in fact, when we think we have found the right reason, to what extent is it true? How important is it to explain ourselves, explain how we feel? And after the explanation, how much should we expect others to understand? And what about those who don't explain themselves? Are they expected not to be understood then?

Questions, to me, are ways of reflection. When I ask a question, I let you control your answer. And you have the right to decide your own answer, unlike a statement. A question is meant to be communicative as it requires an answer to make the conversation meaningful. A question is not meant to be a sign of suspect or mistrust. I-statement is very powerful. Classic example: I love you. A bunch of I-statements gave ma a headache.

You see?

Gut Check

Fall Break is finally here. I will be on the road tomorrow morning with Neil, Dasom, Yan Lin, and Masato, heading to the direction of Savannah, Georgia. Apart from the fun and laughter that I anticipate, I hope that I can get plenty of rest.

To be honest, this semester is a tough one. First, I begin to deal with work of senior level for my major, such as senior seminar and research. Second, I am the head of the International Month Planning Committee, if you want to put it that way. Third, I am also doing a bunch of applications for study abroad, winter programs, fundraisers, scholarships, etc.

There have been times when I want to leave this place and go to a new environment. As a matter of fact, the very moment that I am typing this sentence, I desire to do that. Can I vent here? Can I really just write what I think and feel here? Have you ever had times when you can just cry when you think of something? Have you ever had your tears just run down your face when you had the thought that you are hurt? They just roll down your face silently. International Month is causing me a tremendous amount of stress. I like it and I am excited to see how it is. However, I realize how much I do not like being the sole leader. I do not like leading alone. I do not like assigning tasks to people. I do not like asking people how their progress is on the tasks. I wish there were more people taking the initiative than just saying, "oh, that's really cool!" Why do I need to be so relationship-oriented? Why do I need to care so much others feel when the opposite doesn't really happen? Sometimes, I wish people understood that everything is an effort. To achieve something or to do something well, you need to put in your effort. Relationship is the same. When I make time for you, going to lunch or dinner together, I am making an effort intentionally and I am conscious about that. But other people seem not I understand. I also wonder... is being responsible that hard? Why don't people do what they promised? And if they are not sure whether they can do it in the first place, why did they make the promise?

God, lead me through all these.

Life.

Hold My Heart

Hold My Heart lyrics
Songwriters: Donehey, Michael; Ingram, Jason David; Larue, Phillip;
How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

Oh my Dear, you are not with me.

Writing this blog is a challenge for me because I do not want to login here and start rambling every day. I want each and every one of the entries to have a central theme. It's tough.

Time passes so swiftly that Fall Break is only in a week's time. Despite the relative small amount of work I had for this past week, I had been feeling sick since Wednesday. I felt a lot better today and the credit might actually go to the warm and sunny weather. I went to the gym and was happy to find that my endurance increased again. I submitted my application to Project Little Dream and for study abroad in Japan. Everything seemed to be all set now except that I just need to wait for the result. The preparation for I-Month is going well and I can foresee that things will be more intense and busy as November approaches.

I know that God is always with me and is giving me all I need. For the times when I was feeling sad and hopeless, He lifted me up from the valley of tears. For the times when I was anxious and feeling insecure, He showed me His power and let me know that everything was in His hands. For the times when I was lonely, He was always with me. I remember during IV Fall Retreat, the speaker once said the power that rose Jesus up is the same power that we have inside us today. This was a new concept for me because I had never thought in this way. Later, I came across with some verses that explained everything.

¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. (Romans 8:11)

How precious is this promise of God! The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is living in us today. Do we ever realize how powerful we can be through Christ? This power is more powerful and more magnificent than everything else. With this power, we can achieve everything for God's glory.

These days, I just feel a strong urge to pray for my Dear. Raise up Dear! There's no time to waste.

親愛的你怎麼不在身邊
詞:鄔裕康　曲:郭子

這裡的空氣很新鮮
這裡的小吃很特別
這裡的Latte不像水
這裡的夜景很有感覺
在一萬英呎的天邊
在有港口View的房間
在討價還價的商店
在凌晨喧鬧的三四點
可是親愛的　你怎麼不在我身邊
我們有多少時間能浪費
電話再甜美　傳真再安慰
也不足以應付不能擁抱你的遙遠
我的親愛的　你怎麼不在我身邊
一個人過一天像過一年
海的那一邊　烏雲一整片
我很想為了你快樂一點
可是親愛的　你怎麼 不在身邊

在一萬英呎的天邊
在有港口View的房間
在討價還價的商店
在凌晨喧鬧的三四點
可是親愛的　你怎麼不在我身邊
我們有多少時間能浪費
電話再甜美　傳真再安慰
也不足以應付不能擁抱你的遙遠
我的親愛的　你怎麼不在我身邊
一個人過一天像過一年
海的那一邊　烏雲一整片
我很想為了你快樂一點
可是親愛的　你怎麼 不在身邊

Revelation

I have been feeling terrible this entire week without known reasons. I actually really want to know why. Yesterday was the worst. My stomach was not acting normal the whole day and I was woken up by the weird loud sound made by my stomach when I was taking a 45-minute nap. How strange is that? It may be the weather because it has been raining for several days now and there is a sudden drop of temperature.

Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiai. I want... a break! Fall Break is coming!