Gut Check

Fall Break is finally here. I will be on the road tomorrow morning with Neil, Dasom, Yan Lin, and Masato, heading to the direction of Savannah, Georgia. Apart from the fun and laughter that I anticipate, I hope that I can get plenty of rest.

To be honest, this semester is a tough one. First, I begin to deal with work of senior level for my major, such as senior seminar and research. Second, I am the head of the International Month Planning Committee, if you want to put it that way. Third, I am also doing a bunch of applications for study abroad, winter programs, fundraisers, scholarships, etc.

There have been times when I want to leave this place and go to a new environment. As a matter of fact, the very moment that I am typing this sentence, I desire to do that. Can I vent here? Can I really just write what I think and feel here? Have you ever had times when you can just cry when you think of something? Have you ever had your tears just run down your face when you had the thought that you are hurt? They just roll down your face silently. International Month is causing me a tremendous amount of stress. I like it and I am excited to see how it is. However, I realize how much I do not like being the sole leader. I do not like leading alone. I do not like assigning tasks to people. I do not like asking people how their progress is on the tasks. I wish there were more people taking the initiative than just saying, "oh, that's really cool!" Why do I need to be so relationship-oriented? Why do I need to care so much others feel when the opposite doesn't really happen? Sometimes, I wish people understood that everything is an effort. To achieve something or to do something well, you need to put in your effort. Relationship is the same. When I make time for you, going to lunch or dinner together, I am making an effort intentionally and I am conscious about that. But other people seem not I understand. I also wonder... is being responsible that hard? Why don't people do what they promised? And if they are not sure whether they can do it in the first place, why did they make the promise?

God, lead me through all these.

Life.